Why Did Adele Cross the Road?
By Khayli Martin
6/2/16
“Oh my God stop playing that damn music!” Many of us are familiar with the hit single “Hello” by Adele. I mean you're crazy if you haven't heard it.
”I must've called a thousand times.” Eighteen year old Deshawn Perez is a victim in his own words.
“He just wouldn't stop playing that damn song, I asked him to stop more than twice and he ignored me.” Perez, explains that his younger brother Tyreese bought Adele’s new album and kept it on repeat for a week straight. He asked him politely to shut it off but he refused.
Perez explained ”I couldn't resist it. I walked in and spoke in a high voice telling him to shut it off but he refused to do so a second time.” Neighbors called in the police department with regards of hearing screaming and watching as someone threw a stereo system out the window and laughing satanically.
“We watched as the window flew open and the stereo came crashing to the ground, but that laugh. That God awful laugh was so terrible.” Tyreese was later found with brushing on his lower back.
Tyreese quotes, “ I paid 15$ on that CD and now my whole system is gone. She was my idol and now I can't even listen to her music. My brother is a butt head and I want him gone,” So, why did Adele cross the road? She just wanted to say hello from the other side.
6/2/16
“Oh my God stop playing that damn music!” Many of us are familiar with the hit single “Hello” by Adele. I mean you're crazy if you haven't heard it.
”I must've called a thousand times.” Eighteen year old Deshawn Perez is a victim in his own words.
“He just wouldn't stop playing that damn song, I asked him to stop more than twice and he ignored me.” Perez, explains that his younger brother Tyreese bought Adele’s new album and kept it on repeat for a week straight. He asked him politely to shut it off but he refused.
Perez explained ”I couldn't resist it. I walked in and spoke in a high voice telling him to shut it off but he refused to do so a second time.” Neighbors called in the police department with regards of hearing screaming and watching as someone threw a stereo system out the window and laughing satanically.
“We watched as the window flew open and the stereo came crashing to the ground, but that laugh. That God awful laugh was so terrible.” Tyreese was later found with brushing on his lower back.
Tyreese quotes, “ I paid 15$ on that CD and now my whole system is gone. She was my idol and now I can't even listen to her music. My brother is a butt head and I want him gone,” So, why did Adele cross the road? She just wanted to say hello from the other side.
Donald Trump Admits Relation to Oompa Loompas
By Esperanza Orduno
5/18/16
In a recent press release, Trump reveals his heritage and the lifestyles his grandfather took on. "My grandfather was a man of many accomplishments" Trump declared last Tuesday. "He came to this country a foreigner with very little money. Very little. But throughout his lifetime here, he starred in many films and began our family fortune" Trump went on to list the films his grandfather had starred in, most noticeably, an Oompa Loompa in the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Some other roles were as follows:
• A carrot in a Hidden Valley Ranch commercial
• A subject in a documentary about the risks of fake tanner
• The pumpkin in Charlie Brown and the Great Big Pumpkin
Trump ended the release by stating, "Personally, I see no resemblance between me and my grandfather. Absolutely none. But I can see one thing- I am the best thing that America has ever been blessed with. Not even God can compare to my brilliance." He then rambled on about how fantastic he found himself until someone finally escorted him out of the building, after everyone else had left hours ago. More to come on the validity of his heritage later on this week.
5/18/16
In a recent press release, Trump reveals his heritage and the lifestyles his grandfather took on. "My grandfather was a man of many accomplishments" Trump declared last Tuesday. "He came to this country a foreigner with very little money. Very little. But throughout his lifetime here, he starred in many films and began our family fortune" Trump went on to list the films his grandfather had starred in, most noticeably, an Oompa Loompa in the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Some other roles were as follows:
• A carrot in a Hidden Valley Ranch commercial
• A subject in a documentary about the risks of fake tanner
• The pumpkin in Charlie Brown and the Great Big Pumpkin
Trump ended the release by stating, "Personally, I see no resemblance between me and my grandfather. Absolutely none. But I can see one thing- I am the best thing that America has ever been blessed with. Not even God can compare to my brilliance." He then rambled on about how fantastic he found himself until someone finally escorted him out of the building, after everyone else had left hours ago. More to come on the validity of his heritage later on this week.
Zodiac Killer Identified as Ted Cruz
By Emee Lourie & Emily Brunton
5/18/16
Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer, five murders were committed in the San Francisco area and the drawing of the killer looks just like Cruz. What other way to cover up your tracks then suddenly run for president? You could become a lawyer a mechanic or an everyday librarian but becoming president is the most sophisticated way to cover one's tracks. But every great serial killer has a flaw. When people were accusing Cruz of being the legend zodiac killer he denied it. But when the people of America started talk about Cruz being an average person he suddenly dropped out of the election. This sketchy move on Ted Cruz’s part only justifies him in fact being the zodiac killer, not to mention his far from coincidental similarities in facial characteristics. He in fact looks like a matured killer. There is no doubt in our minds that Ted Cruz is in fact, the Zodiac Killer.
5/18/16
Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer, five murders were committed in the San Francisco area and the drawing of the killer looks just like Cruz. What other way to cover up your tracks then suddenly run for president? You could become a lawyer a mechanic or an everyday librarian but becoming president is the most sophisticated way to cover one's tracks. But every great serial killer has a flaw. When people were accusing Cruz of being the legend zodiac killer he denied it. But when the people of America started talk about Cruz being an average person he suddenly dropped out of the election. This sketchy move on Ted Cruz’s part only justifies him in fact being the zodiac killer, not to mention his far from coincidental similarities in facial characteristics. He in fact looks like a matured killer. There is no doubt in our minds that Ted Cruz is in fact, the Zodiac Killer.
The Truth Behind the Tap Dancing Hornet
By Naoise Lantery & Jessica Settles
5/18/16
Upon the floor of the Enosburg Falls High gym, there is a very angry-looking Hornet donning tap shoes. Many a student and visitor have wondered, why tap shoes? Does this particular Hornet enjoy tap dancing? Are tap shoes supposed to be threatening to our rivals? Is it angry because it is forced to wear tap shoes for eternity? And why does this particular Hornet get to wear tap shoes but none of the others get to wear these dancing shoes? There has to be some sort of history behind this dancing Hornet.
Through much research and interviews with very important school officials, we have found the answer. Once upon a time, Enosburg Falls High School was world renowned for their talented tap dance team. In fact, it was the only sport available for the first graduates of 1891. We found that it was the great-great-great-great-great grandfather of Principal Erik Remmers that was the captain of the team, Lester Remmers. Lester won the Vermont State Tap Dancing Championships eighteen years in a row. When the school gym was built, Lester fought with the principal at the time to adorn the hornet with the tap shoes. The painters rejected the idea and then one night, Lester snuck into the gym and painted his own pair of shoes on the hornet. The only thing left to wonder, does the current principal Mr. Remmers continue his relative’s favorite hobby in his own personal time?
5/18/16
Upon the floor of the Enosburg Falls High gym, there is a very angry-looking Hornet donning tap shoes. Many a student and visitor have wondered, why tap shoes? Does this particular Hornet enjoy tap dancing? Are tap shoes supposed to be threatening to our rivals? Is it angry because it is forced to wear tap shoes for eternity? And why does this particular Hornet get to wear tap shoes but none of the others get to wear these dancing shoes? There has to be some sort of history behind this dancing Hornet.
Through much research and interviews with very important school officials, we have found the answer. Once upon a time, Enosburg Falls High School was world renowned for their talented tap dance team. In fact, it was the only sport available for the first graduates of 1891. We found that it was the great-great-great-great-great grandfather of Principal Erik Remmers that was the captain of the team, Lester Remmers. Lester won the Vermont State Tap Dancing Championships eighteen years in a row. When the school gym was built, Lester fought with the principal at the time to adorn the hornet with the tap shoes. The painters rejected the idea and then one night, Lester snuck into the gym and painted his own pair of shoes on the hornet. The only thing left to wonder, does the current principal Mr. Remmers continue his relative’s favorite hobby in his own personal time?
EFHS Baseball Review
By Brayden Howrigan & Noah Swainbank
5/18/16
5/18/16